What is love, when all it brings is pain and hurt? I ask myself, hoping to get an answer. My heart is hurt and broken, no peace inside of me, then tell me how do I get the answer to all the questions running through my mind? Looking for tears but the sea never dries. I've cried out my eyes, wondering where all this is coming from. What have I done wrong.....where have I gone wrong? can anyone wake me from this dream, I still cant believe my eyes.
We never had any issue for a long time now and it was all going well in my relationship till the day I told him about how he spends his money, my money, our money. Yes its ours even though he worked for it. Thought love is what belongs to the man belongs to his wife. I was only concern about nit all because I know someday it will affect me as a woman in his life.
All I said was Shimori, how come you have spent so much in the last few days and you are broke..... He is my best friend, love and play mate so I could ask him anything as long as I care about him and about us. Rather it became a raging storm. He got very upset and walked out of the house. Shimori please don't go, don't walk out of me I begged him but he wouldn't listen. I had to let him go. He's very pissed.
He got back very late as usual and said nothing to me, as a woman that made me even worse and angrier but I had to keep cool. I asked him how his day went but he said nothing. I asked him for the second time, what's wrong? He said, nothing that he is fine. Ok, I get that. I kept mute and watch him do his thing. But as a woman, I'm not happy with all that is happening and his new attitude and was also thinking if he's still angry as he did not even call me the whole day. I laid on the bed with my nighties but still worried and unsure of what is going on with him. He finished up and turned of the light, laid on the bed beside me and said good night. This time he did not touch me, he did not hold me as he use to, he did not even use the same blanket as we've always done every night. This night is really different. I became very grieved and pained in my heart, held the tears and pain so I don't react and mess things up. Before anything he was already asleep and even snoring. God damn.....so annoying and irritating. I said my prayers and slept and tried not to bother myself.
I thought within myself, is he seeing another woman, is he listening to gossips, is he trying to test my patient, or did I really hurt him with what I said before he left for work? All these questions and more were running through my mind. Unlike him, wakes up and call me to pray with him before any other thing, but this time was different. He got up and walked straight to the bathroom, without a word and knowing that I'm awake. I got more worried and pissed which turned to anger and pain inside of me.
Shimori, I called him. He did not answer then I walked up to him and asked.... What is going on? Last Saturday we talked about this and I thought it was resolved, why are you still angry about the money issue? Does that mean I should never ask you about how you spend your money, what you sue it for or even how you get it? If that's what you want, then its fine by me. I promise no more questions about your income and what you use it for so we can live in peace but I must tell you, it can never be cool if I don't know and it will be very unfair of me if I don't ask. But if that's what you want then it fine by me. It really hurts to be in a relationship where you don't have any say...all you do is yes sir, no sir just like a robot. I am not ready for that kind of a man. Without saying anything more, I walked out of him, and the unexpected happened...........
